I haven't even done for the end of project and the last two weeks, which were spectacular in so many ways. But that will be in the near future. It has been a week since I have been back and have fallen into a kinda lazy schedule of not dealing with the end of project tasks that need to be dealt with.
One thing I remember about last project was that I felt like I deserved a break because I had been moving and serving the Lord so much. That statement is obviously selfish and pointed to the issues I needed to be dealing with then. Also, I had just started a year of intentional singleness before returning home. All of this will make sense when I revisit it later. I was realizing and learning at the end of project that comfort and having time to rest and relax were opportunities is expected or even felt I deserved. None of this is true, I deserve nothing but Jesus came and paid the price of my sin and brought me to a place where I could live an abutment life. Reference Romans 6:23" The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life." I knew this was what I would be dealing with when I returned back to the states. I keep repeating it to show how obvious it was to me but has fallen by the wayside so easily.
The reason is because of lack of prayer. On project we prayed together as a team, campus groups, and ect. I prayed by myself because it was fresh on my mind how much I needed God and his strength. But here in this place of relaxation and comfort, my mind wants to go on autopilot. It isn't obvious that I need God to sit on a beach and figure out what I need to make my lunch. So therefor, my prayer life of not being diligent on keeping my sight on an eternal perspective has been obvious my first week back. Even when I have taken time to put myself in his word or in contact with him, it has made the world of difference.
In saying all of that, conviction is never easy to realize or admit. That as a prayer leader this summer and a person who would be willing to tell anyone about the power of real prayer to God has been struggling with keeping a faithful prayer life. Which had immediately led to me not being observant with behavior I did not want to fall into. Nothing serious in the eyes of men, situations that most would excuse. But sin is sin and God is a just God. In one of my friends blogs, she wrote about how he is forgiving but he also calls us to be obedient to what he has commanded. I don't want to requote it because she did such a great job. To check it out, look at http://jibberjabberdede.blogspot.com. Anyway, God is calling me to be obedient in the small things. This is how he will continue to build up and trust me with the big things.
Some days I even wonder why I am allowed to experience the blessed life I do when I constantly let God down. But it is not how I feel about myself but about what he says about me in his word. And that is that I am fearfully and wonderfully made(Psalm 139) and that he gave his son for the world(John 3:16). So even on days when I feel unworthy, I know that my heavenly father says that is untrue and that he is using me for a reason. I need to yeild to him and forgo my human nature of sin so that I can be fully used.
Quickly, back to the idea that I deserved a break and starting a year of singleness. That was about a year a go, give or take. Looking back I see how much God has moved in those areas. Areas I did not see him moving in or expect to learn from. And with my year of singleness, email me if you have questions on what that is, that I am in a totally different position coming off this project than the last one. I am seeing some lessons come full circle and that is so encouraging. Even though I have screwed up more times than you can count, continually going to him has brought me through so many battles I thought I would never win.
Finishing up, even though I am struggling through wanting to just chill and relax through my days and not continually be in a conscious mood of going to God; he is faithfully waiting for me. It is not my struggles that define me, but how I handle them. It is not the world or people that define me, but the accepting of the sacrifice of Christ's blood covering mine that does. If is not how I feel about myself or the world around me that defines me, but the word of God and who it says I am and how I am supposed to act toward the world around me.
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